Japanese are magical beings that suddenly appeared on these islands. Ainu? Huh? Eye new? I knew? Yeah yeah me too. I knew too. Godzilla.

So you're mixed Japanese? Sorry not Japanese enough. Gotta be pure Japanese. You know 100% Organic Vegan Non-GMO. What's that? Descendants of Jomon and Yayoi? They're all really mixed? No, no, no, some are pure. Trust me. How can you tell? Well, they speak perfect Japanese of course, and they look "Japanese." Overseas Japanese? Come on now, that doesn't count. Not pure enough. Gotta have samurai swords in the blood and kimonos in the hair. If you shake them up, all you see are little red and white flags floating inside. That's pure Japanese. Like pure Americans. Nothing but guns, beer, and cars. Maybe an eagle or two. Or a hot dog. Pizza? Nope, sorry, that's a Italian. Ok, donuts. Go America. Did I have a point? Oh yeah, so Maria Osawa. Yeah, I'll take any excuse to talk about her. I mean, ahem, serious here. So serious. She's not Japanese. She's mixed. I even saw a Japanese guy discriminate against a Japanese girl since her English was so good. No way she could be Japanese. Not pure Japanese. Must be mixed or something. (No, she was Japanese.) Gotta love it. Discriminate against your own. The guy refused to shake her hand. Of course, Japanese usually don't shake hands but still. Ever heard of being polite? She must not be Japanese, speaking English and trying to shake hands. Now, I gotta eat more sushi and kimonos so I can be pure Japanese. And sake. Don't forget the sake.

Japanese Love Foreigners

Ever try renting an apartment in Japan? Good luck. There are 195 countries in the world today, but if you're not Japanese, you're all lumped together. Surely, there's no difference between Canada and Nigeria. Us vs. them. The polite word would be ethnocentric. The other word starts with an "r." For some reason, there's this idea when you're outside Japan that everyone here is oh so polite. Not really true. Sure, their poor service workers are forced to act super kind and their society is full of rules for how you're supposed to act (welcome to prison) but there's an overwhelming dark side too. I do think Japanese are pretty polite but of course, they're not perfect and like any other country, they can be downright rude, not just to foreigners but to each other as well. It's a shame. I'm meandering from my main point. It's not that Japanese look down on foreigners but well, they look down on foreigners. That's Japan in a nutshell. Polite but not polite. Racist but not racist. They follow the rules but they don't. Confused yet? Contemplate this: prostitution is illegal in Japan, and yet it's everywhere. Gambling is illegal in Japan. What about those pachinko parlors everywhere? Uhm, yeah, isn't that gambling? No, no, no. They change the metallic balls into money in another building so it's not gambling. What? Yeah. You gotta love Japan. They're not racist. But my wife can't believe she married a foreigner. And that TV ad showing a foreigner as a gorilla? Uh, yeah, don't read too much into that. Welcome to Japan. Now give us your money and leave. Too harsh? Absolutely, it's not that bad, but when they talk about foreigners like they're alien invaders trying to take over, you got to stop to think for a second. I can't believe I married a gorilla.

Japan is so freakin high tech they got like robots serving you at banks and shit.

Maybe but not really. Consider, for example, they still use cash a ton. Like in 2020, they're just now pushing people to try to use cards more. Uhm... yeah. So China is way ahead of them there. And just so you know, their Wi-Fi sucks. Like it sucks ass. Everywhere you go here and I'm talking Tokyo, not the sticks, they have FREE Wi-Fi signs but then you try to connect and you can't. It's annoying as hell. Pro Tip: 7-11 always has great free Wi-Fi. Starbucks in Japan has shit Wi-Fi especially in Shinjuku. FamilyMart has pretty good Wi-Fi but you have to register with your email first (a lot of places make you do this in Japan... you don't have to do it in China and the Wi-Fi is a million times better in China). Japan's FREE Wi-Fi app sucks and doesn't work (even my wife discovered this). Ok, rant over. So sure, they have robots at banks to greet you and amazing space-age toilets ("space-age" doesn't make any sense right? since that was like the 1960s so a bit dated now but everyone describes the damn toilets this way). Really, they're amazing washlets and I can't believe us savages in the US don't have them (neither do the Chinese but hey they're still developing... I spent some time in China in case you're wondering why I compare the two). But sadly, you learn after being in Japan for a while, they're not really that high tech. No androids here. No amazing sex dolls (yet... come on Japan! I'm rooting for you). No giant mechanical kaiju you can playfully wrestle with before it maniacally crushes your bones (sorry, I'm a loser). Their shinkansen do kick ass though and they have tons of auto-open doors so never mind. I take it all back. Japan rules.

Japanese Girls Are Awesome

Hypocrite! Yes. Call this a counter to my post yesterday or more accurately, a supplement. Honeytrap might be a good description. Japanese girls are beautiful. Obviously. You already know that. They can look extremely good into their 40s. Heck, a rare few even into their 50s (news: 50-year-old hot cosplay woman). Of course, not all of them, but they're ninjas when it comes to makeup (yes, I said "ninjas" so have at me). They can also be very sweet and kind especially from a distance. The closer you get, the more your risk increases. Kinda like an alligator if they weren't so damn ugly. I'm kidding. But not really. But kind of. But not really. But sort of. But not really. Japanese girls are awesome. My wife can be utterly amazing. The nicest, most caring lady. Then she can turn right around and tell me she wants to get pregnant by another guy, act like she is texting said guy, and then leave our house as if she is going to said guy. Brutal. But if you want to slay your loved one, that must be top-level assassin skills. Sure, she didn't really go out and cheat that time (notice the point here at the end... welcome to my ongoing nightmare). What the kids call the "dread game." Well, she done mastered that. Then naturally, five minutes later (exaggerating a bit but only a bit), she will be an angel and wonder why her husband locked her out. So yeah, Japanese girls are awesome but there can be a lot of different ways to interpret that and some of them can end with your heart smashed on the floor. A friend of mine told me his Japanese boss warned him to stay away from Japanese girls. Gee I wonder why. I'm a serious guy aka a moron so I wanted to get married. Recently, my wife admitted when she told me she wanted to get married *before* our first date (warning sign number one), those were just play words. Brutal. Like I said. Don't worry, a bit later she said she was just playing when she said those were play words (now you know why suicide is higher here... I kid... but not really... but sort of). So please learn something from this and go back in time to tell stupid naive me. Oh wait, my friends already tried. Shit. I mean... uhm, I'm happily married. So happy. Look at me. Instagramz check me out. Facebooka. *head explodes*

Japanese Girls Are Lethal

Did you know cheating is common in Japan? Much more so than America or China. My wife even showed me a Japanese book with statistics on it. Heck, they have a whole genre for cheating flicks on Amazon Prime. Sure, you can argue it's only like that in Tokyo but then why have I heard so many stories from the countryside as well? Like my wife's own brother and one of her high school friends. When we asked a co-worker what the key to a successful marriage was (keep in mind this is a woman in her 50s), she responded that her and her husband "just pass by each other." Romantic eh? You do what you do. I do what I do. Want to take a trip? Go by yourself. Sharing? What's that? Communication? This is Japan. "Mmmm" is a real reply here. I'm not kidding, and for Japanese guys, it's their standard. After you start seeing below the "kawaii" exterior of the local girls, you understand why. Want to marry a hot Japanese girl? Good luck. Guess what? They can divorce you without consent. Of course, it's illegal but no one checks (welcome to Japan). Your cute little wife can forge your signature and you're fucked. Kids? Hers now. Bye bye life. Must be rare right? That's why when I was simply sitting in a cafe talking to my Japanese guy friend about my lady troubles, another foreigner nearby, a total stranger mind you, chimed in to warn me to abandon ship. Same thing happened to him except his angel stole the kid too. Wonderful. They don't put that in the propaganda machine for Japaaaannnn.

Always polite. So respectful. Super clean. Oh wait, did that girl just fall down and barf on the street right in front of me? Damn I've seen a lot more puke than I expected. Oh look, there's some more and hey, what's that smell? Don't worry, JR has a special new invention: the puke vacuum. But yeah, uhm, super clean. And very polite except when they're drunk, which is only 90% of the time. Talk about a drinking culture. You wouldn't believe how many salaryman I've seen nearly falling down drunk. Women too. But they're polite. Until you learn what "two-faced" really means. I'm pretty sure they don't even know when they're lying anymore. No wonder the girls never believe the guys' apologies here (I actually heard a playboy-type guy apologizing to his girl in the street but she wouldn't buy it). No wonder they're always asking each other, "Honto?" aka "Really?" Cheating is like a national pastime. And lying. Yes, not everyone of course. People in Osaka are supposedly more honest but definitely watch out. There are tons and tons of horror stories out there. Wives being abusive to their husbands too. One Japanese guy friend gets punched in the face by his love. So sweet. My wife read me another news story where a guy's wife was clawing him up with her nails but hiding the marks beneath his clothes so he could still go to work (how thoughtful). I can't tell you how many times my wife has threatened to divorce (let's say about a million starting from the week after we got hitched... very romantic... that was right after she promised to never talk about divorce). So am I an idiot? Of course, I am. I married a Japanese girl. Red flags... you really need to pay attention to those. Don't be a dumbass like me.